Wednesday, April 11, 2007

In my head

I have so much on my mind on the moment. So many different things running thru my head.

First of all Angie is back in hospital. The artery to her liver has become disconnected and she has been bleeding. Last night she went for emergency surgery. She has lost so much blood. Mum warned me last night that she might not live thru it. But we have heard nothing as of yet, so all might be ok. She is only 32. For god sake she deserves to live in peace for a while. I hope that she gets the chance to.

I have only been on them for a while. I am not sure how I am going. I thinking I am doing a tiny bit better and then I feel that I am feeling more angry. The anger is towards my ex. For such a long time I have felt very little anger towards him. (that made me feel displaced). Now I have so much anger towards him. (even though I don't vent it at him).

My House:
We are slowly making improvements on our home. We have painted a few inside doors and brought all new gold handles for them. It's such slow work. I just can't wait to enjoy the end result. I brought an awesome little candle holder yesterday. > It is gold and just so sparkly and beautiful. I also brought a cane basket to put all of my mini albums in ;)

I am reading the Essentail Dalai Lama. I have only read a bit but I love it already. He is the most amazing individual ever. I love reading him for him. Not because he is a buddist or anything. I mean I might not even like the next dalai lama. lol! He is so intelligent and wise and I love that. I love reading books on people who have so much life experience. I hate reading books written by academics who have little to no life experience about what they write about. (that drives me insane).

I love this:
"People are striving to improve their lives. Yet, strangely, my impression is that those living in the materially developed countries, for all their industry, are in some ways less satisfied, are less happy, and to some extent suffer more than those living in the least developed countries. Indeed, if we compare the rich with the poor, it often seems that those with nothing are, in fact, the least anxious, though they are plagued with physical pains and suffering. The rich are so caught up with the idea of acquiring still more then they make no room for anything else in their lives. In their absorption, they actucally lose the dream of happiness, which riches were to have provided. As a result, they are constantly tormented, torn bewteen doubt about what happened and the hope of gaining more, and plagued with mental and emotional suffering - even though outwardly they may appear to be leading entirely successful and comfortable lives".

This is so true. Stats show that as westerners suffer more but at the same time we have a better quality of life. That rocks my world. When I was going thru all of the court stuff with my ex, plus the stress of living at my parents house, I in some ways suffered less then I did before. I was thankful for the fact that I had a little bit of money (just to get me by day to day), that I had my boys and my family and that I had a roof over my head. My aim every single day was to get emotionally stronger. I did this by reading, by forgiving things done in my past, by talking to people and by being compassionate to others. I changed the way I thought and acted and thus I changed the way I lived my life. Before I lived in a nice house, my ex earnt alot of money and everyday I just wanted more and more 'things'. I was never really 'happy'. Now I got a wake up call, > I live differently. My life goal is to help others, to be compassionate, it makes me feel good and that is why I am here.